Me. At least after what I've been through.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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