u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
