Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I love you.
Bad choice
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
