Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
