he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
