if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Randomize
