You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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