We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
