You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
