note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
