she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Randomize
