I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
