Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
