The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
