Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
