Im at strip club and am horny
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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