you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
