so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
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Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
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I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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