Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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