He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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