toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
