so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
