Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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