I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
