Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
