OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
