saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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