I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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