Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
