before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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