whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
