she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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