I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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