Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I don't deserve a penis
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
