***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
