Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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