apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I woke up under a house in Key West
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
