go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The uberlube is also flammable
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