umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
