Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
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The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
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Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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