your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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