it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
So much rum. So many feels.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
