Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
