I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
