You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
