I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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