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which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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