Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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