A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
