i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Randomize
