we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
