dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
