he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
