i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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