i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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