YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
