Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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