VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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