What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
